The decision was weather to apply for residency in internal medicine or to seek employment in the private sector.
Throughout my academic career I've made some important, big decisions. Yet, no matter how many times God has shown Himself to be faithful in guiding me through these big decisions, I worry. I worry that I will make the wrong decision and what would that mean? To help myself, I picture first one option in its most bleak, deplorable and soul-wrenchingly unhappy state, then the other. As you can imagine, this does a lot to help eliminate fear from the decision making process. For the present decision my imaginings looked something like this. . .
Residency:
I'm sitting in a foal box. I smell like Salmonella diarrhea. I haven't slept in 3 days, the passing of which I can only determine by the technicians changing shifts. The only thing I've eaten over the last three days is fast food. I've put on 10 pounds. My research is falling apart, I can't seem to get my case report written, there's a student, who's totally smarter than me, asking me questions about acid-base balance and I've just been told a second foal is on its way in. I want to die.
Private Practice: 2 scenarios
Scenario 1 - It's my first on call weekend at the practice and my "mentor" has decided to head off to Yosemite National Park with his family. . . no cell reception. The emergency calls have not stopped all weekend long. All I've eaten is fast food. I've put on 10 pounds. Tonight, I've already sent 2 colics to a referral facility, one of which died upon arrival, most likely because I waited too long to send it in. The second fixed itself on the way and the owner is convinced that I just didn't know what I was doing and overreacted. I arrive at my current call. . . did I mention that its cold and starting to drizzle? When I arrive at the breeding farm, of what is quite possibly our largest client, the owner informs me that the horse is a newly acquired youngster, bought at a show a week ago. Apparently the horse started showing respiratory signs a few days ago and then he spiked a fever. Oh, and its the weirdest thing doc, now he's acting depressed and seems a bit ataxic. I want to die.
Scenario 2 - I can't find a job
Faced with these bleak options I attempted to make a decision. Now truly I made my decision with a lot more truth and hope involved. In the end, I felt like God was asking ME, "what feels right?" No matter how much I wanted to drive myself onward, always pushing, never wanting to settle for "less." I kept feeling peace, when I thought of giving up the idea of residency for now. I feel ready to start this whole life thing. To have a chance to dream about settling, rooting and investing. I may come back to a residency. I'm not eliminating that option one bit. However, I feel excited to see where God is going to take me. I feel like I have room again, to dream about what might be.
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| Poppy at Medoc Mountain State Park |
