Up Too Late

Hey,

So, I'm definitely up too late.  That is a big part of the problem.  When you're up late, the night creates a vacuum that draws all the suppressed thoughts and feelings from the deep, where it is dark and still, to the surface.  You haven't seen them in a while.  Some of them are scary, discouraging, disturbing.  Occasionally, one is genius.  

I wish tonight I was dredging up something ingenious.  I'm not.  I'm one-hundred percent anxious.  If I don't go to sleep, it won't be tomorrow.  Stopping time is all that matters right now.  

Many, maybe most of my fellow classmates wouldn't understand the way I feel.  They are excited to get back into school, excited to show us all what they're made of, itching for their chance to grasp the scalpel.  These guys are ready to get that next quarter of straight A's and take one more step towards becoming a veterinarian.  

I face the next year and feel the weight of it crushing my spirit.  I see a mountain and the peak is hidden beyond the clouds.  I see a thousand ways to fail.  I'm afraid. 

There are a lot of people who think its weak to be afraid.  They're wrong.  Fear creates weakness when it is allowed to dictate action.  I WILL go to sleep tonight and it will be tomorrow.  That's my first step of courage.  Somehow I will end up in class on Tuesday morning.  I don't have to be okay with that tonight.

My Aunty Ava once told me, "A woman is like a tea bag, you don't know how strong she is until you put her in hot water."  The kettle is singing.