The Bottom of the Box

Today is my first day off since I started at the vet school almost 1 month ago. 1 month people! Wow. When did that happen?

I was just reading my brother's newest blog entry called, "Commercial Break," and I was inspired to touch base with everyone myself. He was talking about transitioning to a completely new life and what you decide is worth keeping and bringing into the new and what you decide to leave behind. I know exactly what Jared is talking about. That waiting period when you're anxious to begin, anxious to be established and to have things rolling. You look forward to having some amount of momentum to take up the slack when you're tired. Its like digging a hole.
 "I'm not sure where she's going with this. . . "
 Please, just bear with me. It is like digging a hole. The hardest shovel of dirt is the first. After that point, the earth is inherently destabilized by the disorganization you have created and each consecutive shovel-full is just a little easier to get out of the ground.
"Wow, she really made that work, and also, I like how sciencey it sounded."

When I was moving into the town of Cary, I would look at people walking down the street and feel so jealous of them. I was jealous that they were so comfortable walking down the street. They seemed to know where they were going. They actually had somewhere to go, things to do and they knew how to get there and do them.
Well after a month, I have to say that I still don't walk down the street, . . . but I do drive.
"She's being cheeky."
I have a few typical destinations, the hospital, Starbucks, the Harris Teeter grocery store and occasionally, Mimi's cafe. I'm starting to settle in and as the newness subsides I realize that some of the things I planned on leaving behind me, in that old life, were quietly packed away in the bottom of a box. I'm disappointed to find them there. Disappointed that I still have to deal with them.

"Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature; the old things passed away; behold, all things are made new." -2 Cor 5:17
"And He who sits on the throne said, 'Behold, I am making all things new. . . ." -Rev 21:5

I heard a great sermon today by a man named, Trip Lee. He said that we are created in the image of God and that the work of the Enemy is to defile that image in us.

"Do not lie to one another, since you laid aside the old self with its evil practices, and have put on the new self who is being renewed to a true knowledge ACCORDING TO THE IMAGE OF THE ONE WHO CREATED HIM. . . ." -Col 3:9-10

So I've got work to do. I can't just pick these things up out of the bottom of the box and throw them in the garbage. Its like losing weight.
"Here we go again."
 No it is. When you eat things that are high in simple sugars and fats, you don't exercise and then add to that the stress of life, the universe and everything, you gain weight. The bad kind. The pudgy kind. The decrease in self-confidence kind. Well wouldn't it be nice if you could just say, okay, I don't want to have eaten those things and lazed around and stressed about all that junk and then whatever weight you had gained would just magically disappear? Well anyone other than a stick-insect knows that it simply doesn't work that way. Unfortunately, you have incorporated those things into your very being. They are a part of you and separating yourself from them takes a lot of hard work. Well the same goes for bad habits and sin and from my personal experience, the more often you give in, the harder it is to make the right decision the next time.

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" -Phil 4:13

But that means I have to go to Christ. I admit that when I'm faced with the desire to sin, to make a bad choice, when I'm tempted, the last thing I want to do is come to Jesus. My sin nature hates Him and it knows that He will overcome.

My current challenge is coming to Jesus. Pushing through and coming to Jesus. Not calling my friends or family but taking it straight to the source of strength and coming to Jesus.
I had to unpack those boxes and I found something I didn't want to find but God says to me that the next time I move, the next time I reach the bottom of that box, I don't have to find it there.

So I challenge you to go up to your attic or down to your basement, . . .
"Umm, most of us live in California and don't have attics or basements. . . ?"
. . . or your closet.  Find that box and take out the thing that is buried in the bottom. Expose it to the light and come to Jesus with it.

"If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleans us from all unrighteousness." -1 John 1:9

On a lighter note. . . .
I would like to introduce you to the newest and first male member of the household. . .
This is BULLITT

Bullitt may be the only male in the house, but he doesn't take crap from anyone. Look at that menacing stare.

To read my brother Jared's blog go to: https://beehivechronicles.wordpress.com/2012/07/21/commercial-break/

Do you remember that hymn, On Christ The Solid Rock I stand?
I don't know if that is actually the name or not, but Its the most important line of the song. "On Christ the solid rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand. . . "

North Carolina is an ocean state.  I haven't really thought of it that way because I haven't been to the coast yet.  Still, I'm told that if you walk East long enough, you'll pass through the pastures and the forests and swamps and if you manage to avoid stepping on a Copperhead you will eventually walk straight into the Atlantic Ocean.  It will be cool to see that ocean, from the ground.  I've only ever seen it from 30,000 feet above.

Its only been 3 weeks, but I can tell you that the pastures at the beginning of the journey are beautiful. They are green and they are exciting. You walk through them and they are familiar and there is a comfort in their consistency.

Then you hit the forest. Now the forest is dark, but if you are there at the right time, you experience the wonder of the fireflies. They sparkle magically ahead in the dark, . . . and its warm and there are so many sounds that you feel like you have invaded some private sanctuary, but you don't feel bad, you're just happy to be there and to experience it. Still, at a certain hour, the lightning bugs go to bed and the chorus becomes a stillness.

The swamp. . . . its hard to find a positive side to the swamp. The fireflies are there too, but they are harder to enjoy. There are brief moments of beauty, but you are constantly thinking about the Cotton Mouths and the Water Moccasins. You spend your time looking every which way, worried that they will suddenly appear next to you in the water.

Finally, you break out onto the beach and you see the ocean beyond the dunes.  You are full of joy until you realize that with each step you take, the ground shifts beneath your feet. You are walking faster but hardly gaining ground. You start to get tired. You are out of breath. Your feet are burning on the traitorous sand and then. . . you see it, . . . a rock. Was it there before? Did it appear because you were looking for it? Its mostly buried but you can make out its irregular surface and see where the sand is resting in its crevices. With one step, you are on it and then you see that it stretches before you and dives straight into the ocean. You smile. You're going to make it to the ocean after all. With mixed feelings you look back in the direction of your journey and only then do you realize that the rock under your feet rises up and bridges the swamp and its granite surface reflects light into the dark of the forest and it breaks into slabs of blue and green and borders the pastures as a stone wall.

Why is it that we always look for the rock at the very end?
Not this time.
I'm on the edge of the forest and ahead I can smell the swamp.
I'm looking for it now.

"He brought me up out of the pit of destruction, out of the miry clay,
And He set my feet upon a rock and made my footsteps firm."
-Psalm 40:2

Change. . . is evil. 
I have nothing to base this statement on but I am certain it is true.  In the next two weeks I will graduate from UC Davis as Dr. Riley, pack my house, move myself, my dog and cat to the opposite side of the country, start a new job, new career and attempt to construct a completely new social network.  I need to take 800mg of ibuprofen with a glass of wine just thinking about it.

Poppy and Lulu playing ball in the backyard. We will miss our animal roommates too!

Change. . . is dangerous.
People always talk about what an adventure these types of life changes are.  Well adventure is overrated!  Adventure often involve snakes and getting injured.  Sure, you might end up with a great tan and a cool bracelet identifying you as a fellow soldier in a remote African mountain tribe, but is it worth it really? 

Good times on GEVA dental days

Change. . . is only partially deniable.
My brother told me that denial is a perfectly healthy way of handling these kinds of stressful situations.  That had been working really well. But when you start packing, when graduation approaches, when your parents start asking you what day would be best to fly home, leaving you virtually abandoned to the humidity and loneliness of North Carolina, it is more and more difficult to deny that change is coming.

The beautiful future of equine veterinary medicine

Change. . . is relentless.
Change approaches at the same rate whether you are dreading it or hoping for it with every fiber of your being. 

The regularly featured partner in crime Dr. Pryor and myself at Drake's Beach

Change. . . is a sacrifice.
The hardest part of all of this is the changes in relationships.  For the last four years, I have been working alongside an elect group of amazingly intelligent, kind and fun people.  I'm not just referring to my classmates, who are incredible, but all the doctors and technicians that I no longer just respect and revere but consider my friends.  Veterinary work is demanding and it makes all the difference in the world when you work with people who make you laugh, who challenge you and who support you.  While I'm not giving up these friendships, because I believe they will always be there, they are changing. 

Two of my favorite residents, Jan and Albert working on an abscess.

Change. . . is necessary.
Did I just write that?  Most of us do not like change.  We like patterns, routines and comfort but if I refused this change and instead I clung to these last four years of my life, what would happen?  I would be hanging onto an empty shell, a corpse.  The life of vet school is about to leave and all I would have to hang onto and live in, is the memory.  Life would grow stale and stagnant.  Change is forcing me out of my comfort zone again, making me grow as a person and now as a doctor.  There will be new patterns and routines and in a year, I will be asked to leave them behind again.
So maybe change isn't evil.  It feels evil right now but maybe change is doing me a favor.  Maybe change knows better than I do, what is good for me.
That being said, I will miss these days and I will look back, with fondest memories, on the class of 2012 and our clinical year in the UC Davis VMTH.

So goodbye for now UC Davis.  Maybe our paths will cross again in the future. . . .

A Quick Update

Well, its been a while.

The last little while of vet school has been a dynamic and incredible time.
I was sitting in the office of one of my mentors the other day, and he asked me, "How are things going this quarter?"  Wow. What a question.  I sat quietly for a few minutes while he worked away on his computer trying to find a file we needed for the project we are working on. "Honestly?" I said to him, "Every day I swing back and forth between feeling like I'm a hero, a genius, a soon to be great doctor who will go out and save the world and feeling like the stupidest, most worthless and inept person, who ever was mistakenly admitted to UC Davis."  His response? A knowing chuckle and "Yah."  But that was okay.  I didn't need him to tell me that everything was going to be okay or that I didn't get into vet school by mistake.  The comfort was in the way his response showed that he could completely relate. Because the truth is, its never going to get easier to accept who I am and what I know and more importantly, what I don't know.  And that's okay.

This quarter is almost 100% devoted to equine classes.  I wake up every day knowing that I get to discuss the most important concepts I will ever learn, with some of the most amazing equine doctors that I will ever know.  What an honor.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not like SpongeBob, spring loaded into my bed, ready the second the alarm sounds to blast into the day.  But I have more purpose in what I am learning right now than I have ever experienced before and that is an incredible rush. 

Each day produces new, amazing opportunities and each day the challenges you would expect in making the transition from third year to fourth year. I am more excited for my fourth year than anyone is likely advised, expected or allowed to be.  Six short weeks from now, I will be stepping into the clinics for the rest of my time at UC Davis.  The time will undoubtedly fly.  It will be stressful, difficult, terrifying and wonderful. I can't wait.